Written by Tracy Shirvill
Over the past few months, I have been watching Modern Family on Disney+. Not only is the show funny, but I have enjoyed watching the relationship between Claire and Phil Dunphy unfold. In season 1, the couple have been married for 16 years and have three children. They are living busy lives navigating work, family, school, and struggling at times to make time for themselves. There are days where they don’t see each other and communicate through texts or quick phone calls in the car. Of course, being a sitcom, drama isn’t far away.
When life becomes busy and stressful, romance often gets put on the back burner in long-term relationships. This can leave couples can feeling disconnected. You may feel unsupported by your partner, there may be an increase in conflict, and sex lacks an emotional connection, if you are even having sex at all. So how do Phil and Claire reignite the romance in their relationship? They embrace Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day Your Way
How many times have you heard your spouse say, ‘Valentine’s Day is just a commercial holiday developed to make the Hallmark Company rich?’, or ‘every day should be Valentine’s Day!’. Maybe you have said it yourself. You may have even believed it as some point. I’ve certainly heard it in the counselling room, but rarely with conviction. What I end up hearing is a longing for romance and connection. To feel special, loved, and supported by their partner. If I ask how they make Valentine’s Day every day it’s often met with silence. Every day couples are missing their partner’s bids for affection, and are lacking rituals for romantic connection. Yet Valentine’s Day provides couples with the perfect opportunity to reconnect emotionally, one-on-one. You don’t even have to add it to your calendar, it’s already there.
While the marketing wizards would love for you to lay down your credit card for the most expensive bunch of roses, jewellery, and dinner at a 5-star restaurant, is that what your partner really wants? Why not take some inspiration from Phil and Claire – or Clive and Juliana – and book a hotel room with some role play at the hotel bar? A single red rose and a candlelight dinner cooked by you. Or a picnic at your favourite spot. Make a play list of your partner’s favourite songs. Download the free Gottman Card Decks and get to know each other on a deeper level. If you have young children get them involved by making cards or decorations. Growing up watching their parents celebrate Valentine’s Day (in a completely age appropriate way of course) will actually help them create loving relationships as adults.
Why Valentine’s Day?
Valentine’s Day becomes an annual ritual for Claire and Phil, but that isn’t where it ends. The emotional connection they develop shows up throughout each season. Not only do they bring play and fun into their relationship, but they create deeper connections by including their partner’s interests and shared memories into their romance. When our emotional needs are met it can be easier to communicate when issues do come up. The more connected to each other the more we connect to the people around us. This is the power of creating rituals and responding to your partner’s bids. It’s time to rethink Valentine’s Day and reignite the romance in your relationship.
