Written by Tracy Shirvill
“Getting to know your partner doesn’t end the minute you return the moving van and are sharing dresser-drawer space, or the minute you say “I do”. It never ends.”
With over three decades of research, the founders of The Gottman Institute, John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman are the go-to experts on love and relationships. Published in 2019, Eight Dates To keep your relationship happy, thriving, and lasting was written with Doug Abrams & Rachel Carlton Abrams. Building on their research and couples therapy, this book aims to help couples create happier, and lasting love life.
As with most Gottman books, Eight Dates is not a book on how to create a romantic evening but is a guide through their research. Each chapter includes exercises and guidance which couples can explore together. Eight Dates incorporates the observations and feedback of the research participants. This gives the reader an idea of what the couples were experiencing in their relationship to make them want to volunteer for the project, and how their relationships changed through each exercise. The authors know that communication is key for relationships to last. The exercises provided promote productive communication between partners on a variety of topics including money, sex, family, and work.
“We turn away at the very moment we should be turning toward each other.”
Conflict is inevitable in all relationships. You may even find that the questions in the book bring some conflicts to the surface. For this reason, the authors have included a chapter about how to minimise the damage caused during an argument and how to heal once the argument is over.
Anyone who has had a conversation with me about relationships in recent years will know that I love The Gottman Method. I have used their techniques with both couples and individuals and don’t think any couple can go wrong with a Gottman book. While I can’t promise that your relationship will last, I can say that if you do the work, you will have a deeper understanding of who you are as an individual and as a couple. While the research participants are diverse in age and sexuality, there were no participants in non-monogamous relationships. With non-monogamous relationships on the rise, the research that The Gottman Institute conduct need to consider including diverse relationship structures. Having said that, the skills and exercises within this book can absolutely be beneficial to all relationship structures.
