Choice, Circumstances, & the Grey Area Between
As a middle-aged woman I’ve found that when people find out I don’t have children, they’re quick to want to know which category I fit into. Am I childfree or childless? Did I choose to not have children, or was it out of my control? Although ‘childless’ is a universal term for women without children, the distinction between the two matters. But defining childfree and childless isn’t always simple.
The Role of Choice in Being Childfree or Childless
The terms ‘childfree’ and ‘childless’ mainly reflect the role of choice. Childfree implies that the person has chosen to not have children, or to be childfree by choice. This may or may not include biological children, foster children, minor relatives needing guardianship, or stepchildren. Where some childfree people will choose to not take on any type of caring role, others may step into those roles if needed.
In contrast childless implies the person wants to have children but is unable to due to circumstances outside of their control, usually infertility. Many people who expand their families through adoption or egg/sperm donation may no longer see themselves as childless. However, stigma around non-biological children persists. People who are childless not by choice must make difficult decisions about if and how they will build their family.
Circumstances and The Grey Area
Like many aspects of life, the distinction between being childfree and childless isn’t always clear-cut. Everyone makes choices regardless of their circumstances. There are women who wanted to be mothers but:
- didn’t find a life partner while valuing having children within a marriage
- lacked financial security
- didn’t want to start a family while single
- experienced trauma that prevented forming romantic relationships before menopause
- chose to prevent pregnancy while experiencing abuse from partner or family,
- became displaced due to war or other unrest, or
- experienced reproductive abuse.
Society often fails to recognise women who care for other people’s children as mothers. While social attitudes about biology and lineage have evolved, biases still exist. This can be because of:
- stigma around adoption or conception by donor, with non-biological children not seen as family by some
- motherhood being defined by pregnancy and birth
- parentification of older siblings or extended family
- not recognising the important role of foster carers.
As we can see it’s not always as simple as childfree by choice or childless not by choice. It’s okay if you’re unsure which term fits you. Your experience goes beyond a label. It’s important that we don’t police how women identify when it comes to their journey, including ourselves.
Moving Forward on the Childfree and Childless Journey
Along with trying to give me a label, some people assume that I regret not having children, or that I will regret it in later life. This assumption implies that motherhood is the only path to a meaningful life for women. Whether childfree or childless, many women struggle with feelings of grief, isolation, or identity loss. But this isn’t necessarily from not having children, but from the pressures and exclusion from family, friends, and society. Finding community through online support groups, books, or professional counselling can help. Recognising that a life without children can still be rich and fulfilling in an important step in embracing your unique journey.
